Aside

We’ve all been in that awkward situation. Youre just sitting there with your friend in the hostel and out of nowhere Mr Douchebag McDouche invites his irritating girlfriend over to chill. Before you know it you’re that guy sitting alone wondering what the hell you’re supposed to do as they make gahgah gay eyes at each other (not nice gay like ‘queer eye for the straight guy’ but bad gay like the black guy in ‘america’s next not model’). Once again I’m here with wisdom and advice (for you Mr. Forever Alone) on how to cock block this prick.
1. Dont go into default mode: use your phone
its instinct so it goes without saying. The minute sh*t gets awkward whoosh out comes the device and we start downloading apps like FartSounds.apk and texting all those long lost clandes from high school. They arent coming and they want nothing to do with you!
2. List things you’d rather be doing.
Pick random stuff and just say them out loud. Make sure they can hear you. Here are some
-plan a wedding for your younger sibling (lets face it they’re getting married and you aren’t)
-pluck all the hair from your body one by one
-build a toilet replica in plastacine
-take a dump on live TV
-wake up to a zombie apocalypse
-wake up to a bee apocalypse
-wake up to a zombie AND bee apocalypse (the hooooooror!!)

i could go on and on…
3. Get drunk or stoned (or both-Droned)
Being sober is not in your best interest so drink drink drink up! Get loose.Get….stupid. Once you’re high interupt that conversation like a boss. Ask everything from pregnancy scares to what their recomended condom brand (not like you need it…loner)
4. Get comfortable.
Make sure they know that there’s no way in hell that you’re leavong the room so they can ‘park the beef bus in tuna town’. IF they do succeed in getting you to leave do so in the most ungracious manner as possible. Let’s not forget the point is to cock block Mr. Douchebag McDouche.
5. Tell him to tell her to GTFO
its so simple it goes without saying, quote “Bros before Hoes” and she’s gone.

(if your that nasty superstar push the menage a trois plan LOL)

*if girls who skept around were labeled heroes instead of sluts guys would be getting laid alot more. Someone should look into that*
and now a joke about a crippled hero/murderer
Police in South Africa have found evidence that may prove that Oscar Pistorius is innocent of his wife’s murder….
footprints

feel free to add more tips at the botto, btw. THERE’S A COMMENT SECTION PEOPLE. use it
TTYL bitches

The ultimate cock block when you’re the third wheel.

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