Aside

Hello world tis i your favourite chauvanistic, womanizing and biased blogger Adam Kiboi;the breaker of hearts and loser of phones has returned to the blogosphere to once again regale you with nonsense and wisdom. I return after surving a harrowing ordeal in the pits of hell (that is i was in a relationship…btw the new slang for relationship is ‘pits of hell’. Tell your friends lets make it a thing.) I was cheated on…can you believe it!? Me of all people played for a fool by a female type (i can practically hear the hoardes of ex girlfriends applauding.) It sucked it hurt and i cant beleive i did this to someone before…
Ok i know, i know i sound like a whiny girl so here’s some manly stuff-
Machine guns, call of duty, halo sex sex sex sex
Aaand here’s a racist joke-
I’m starting a dating service for Indians who want to meet their soulmates. I’m going to call it ‘Join the dots.’ lol. If you dont get it then sell your soul for a BRAIN.
Back to the post. If you’ve ever cheated dont do it again. Its bad bad bad.
Anyway i’ve given up on women(complete lie and dju knows it). I’ll rephrase that, ive given up on dating, completely. From now on the purpose of this cynics heart is to provide the mind with advice on how to find this soulmate person. Atleast i know that whoever she/he is (im kidding gay people calm down) wont shatter this already ruined heart(seriously its like the pieces are held together with rubberbands and old chewing gum). I shant date anyone for the next two years and you can call me on that. From the earlier post you’ve clearly guessed that im unfortunately NOT getting any hanky panky time with anyone. Either I lost my mojo(impossible) or women these days are just too slutty to bang. Im going with the latter so i can save face.
Anyway here’s a draft checklist for potential soulmates. Printable version will be available for download later aaaaand ill be handing copies out to everyone i see…(by that i mean every pretty girl. Back gay people your funny but not thaaat funny!and ugly girls don’t make me get my stiiiiick).
Are you good in bed: Yes/No
Are you a cheating whore: Yes/No
Do you wear spectacles: Yes/No
Do you read: Yes/No
Have you ever watched star wars: Yes/No
Do you have stretch marks: Yes/No
Are you a virgin: Yes/No
Can you cook: Yes/No
Blowjobs:Yes/No
Have you been single in the past six months:Yes/No
Do you smoke:Yes/No
Do you drink: Yes/No
Did you vote for uhuru: Yes/No
Do you know what linux is:Yes/No
Sex in a kitchen: Yes/No
Im way too lazy to add more stuff but ill put up a more comprehensive list later. Until later comes here’s a joke about zimbabwe
BBC News: Five men have robbed the national bank of Zimbabwe
Police are still looking for a motive.
If you dont get this one as well then you’re a dummy and probably voted for Dida so…THERE sue me.
TTYL bitches.

The Soulmate Search

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2 responses »

  1. This. Instantly thought of a post on this blog called “Dating a Serial Badger-face…-ist: The Checklist” which is basically the girl version of this list, as written by the love child of Dr Greg House, Tina Fey and Tyrion Lannister.

    Shameless plug? Yes. Genuinely relevant here? Totes. Go see!

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