Time is one strange muthafucka. Sometimes it moves so fast – days seem like hours – and sometimes it’s horrendously slow – like that three hour corporate finance class on Friday mornings, in which I watch my goatee grow, tweet 300 times, and replay Seinfeld episodes in my head. I could have sworn my last blog post was last week but evidence disagrees. Anyway, I promised to properly introduce myself last time. We’ll get to that soon enough. I have a few more important matters on my agenda this week; introducing myself will reduce their significance, especially seeing as the force of my personality is the explanation given by physicists for the modern eclipse (but do I say!). This week I intend to present you with a topic that is nearly as interesting as I am. This week I will present you with a new religion. It goes without saying that I am the primary prophet and the voice of the soon to be described “Almighty” on Earth.
The Creation Story
Before there was religion there was… well… nothing really. So let me proceed to give you a history of how something came from nothing as narrated by “The Almighty” himself (with commentary from moi, his humble prophet):
Omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent – it seems my power is only matched by my boredom.
(After much brooding)
Wait! I can create things, no? (said like a Naija boy)
I think – nay – I will create something to take the edge of this boredom!
And thus the idea that boredom relieving substances (intoxicants as we mortals call them) should come into existence was born. Contrary to the beliefs espoused by other religions, this was the original idea, primary even to the conception of angels. “The Almighty” considers this his/her greatest idea… yes, greater than his/her idea to create man.
Damn! What a great idea! Everything I perceive (which is necessarily all that exists… muahahaha! I’m so funny!) is so… so… so AWESOME! I know what I should do while I’m feeling this AWESOME! I’ll think up another ingeniously AWESOME idea while this AWESOME feeling lasts! I wonder what would happen if I let this AWESOMENESS last for eternity…
(after eons of deliberation)
no… bad idea. It would stop being “AWESOME” and be merely “awesome”.
“The Almighty’s” first few attempts at AWESOMELY ingenious ideas had rather mixed results (him/her being high and all). He/she has a great sense of humour so he/she won’t mind me putting in the details of his first few… for lack of a more diplomatic term – failures.
For some of “The Almighty’s more interesting “failures”, watch this space!