Backing up your buddy (what to do when one of the chap’s just got dumped)


First think about it, are you the man for the job? It helps to be single. It’s hard to commiserate when you say stuff like, “Man you are so right, relationships suck hard. Oh sh!t is that the time! I have to go and pick help Sweetie do some errands in town.”

Get wasted and listen. One of the upsides of being heartbroken is you get to do most of the talking. The wounded man always gets to do most of the talking. The wounded man always gets the most attention in the crew. Let him pour it out. It’s alright to throw in one of those “A guy chillax, I went through the same sh!t last year” but for the most part he doesn’t care about anyone’s pain but his own. So shut up order another round of shots and let him stew in his sorrow.

Don’t let him brood in your presence. If he wanted to brood, he’d be sitting home alone or in some strange bar or river road where he doesn’t know anyone. If he asked you to join him then he wants you to snap him out of it. Also what’s a better slap in the face than another round of shots.

Don’t call her a whore/slut/bitch/poko/malaya until he does. He might still love the girl (or whatever passes for love in Nairobi these days). And they may get back together, trust me I’ve seen this happen enough times, so if you start denigrating her it might reflect on his taste in women. However once he lets loose, jump in there wholeheartedly. Don’t get specific; don’t tell him she was sleeping around, even if it’s true…even if it was with you (sometimes it is). He might already know and might not want to be reminded. And if he doesn’t know mentioning it will make him feel like even more of a loser.

Fraternizing with the enemy. You have to ask yourself, who’s the better friend, him or her. If it’s him you have to break all ties with her. And for the love of GOD, don’t ask her out. Treat her with cold formality at best. Glad-handing, especially when he’s around will raise insecurities, which we don’t need. If you do, make sure there’s shots involved.

Be prepared for erratic behavior. If he wants to get dramatic let him. It’s part of recovery. My pal once broke up with his girlfriend and later drunk himself into a stupor that even a budding alcoholic such as myself looked at him and though “The F!CK?” It was damn entertaining for me, and one of a hell of an emotional release for him.

Keep hope alive. Saying “they’re all just crazy whores anyway” may alleviate some of his anguish bit it doesn’t bode well for his future. Eventually he’s going to dive back in to looking for a girlfriend (unless this particular crazy whore turned him gay) and if there’s not light at the end of the tunnel then it’s not a tunnel at all- it’s a bottomless pit.

Hooking him up. Pushing him into another girls arms isn’t always the answer. Early on, he will refuse because on some level he’s in love with the whore ex, but eventually in the later stages you’ll have done him a favor.



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