So i was having coffee with a gay friend of mine last week (ha! yes! shock on you world, I’m pretty sure you thought i was a homophobic bigot :)) truth is my dislike for gay people is limited in the same sense as my disgust with straight people. i.e
- stupid ones
- strange ones
- the males in dresses (yes trannies i dislike you,you are strange and you scare me.
not muslims, those are prayer robes, ignoramus…right?)
Anyway so we were haveing coffee and i figure Allan is a pretty straightforward guy so i decided to ask him a few questions about jim being a homosexual. With his permission i’ll post up a transcript from the convvo (yes i asked permision, i dont want the GSS<gay secret society> coming after me for printing national secrets and from crimes against gayanity) So some questions are dumb, inciteful, nast, curious and just….dumb (i said that twice with good reason). Btw i recorded it so curious souls can ask me to mail them the recording.
Me: sooooooo dude… your gay
Allan: UMM, yes but you know that so skip on
Me: Do your folks know?
Allan: My mum knows since i came out to her last year but we still havent told my dad. They don’t talk much since they’re divorced
Me: So what’d she do? cry? slap you? Grab a knife?
Allan: She said she had already guessed it but was hoping she was wrong
Me: *coughs* must’ve been the skinny jeans that gave you away *snickers*
Me:oh nothing, nothing. OK now to get a little personal, are you active like…sexually?
<at this point i start looking around nervously…very nice furniture savannah has btw>
Allan: *awkward look on his face* Yeah i am
Me: so are you the boy or the girl *awkwaaaard*
Allan: It doesn work that way dude…
<annoyed look on his face>
Me: So how does ‘it’ work?
<trying not to giggle>
Allan: The whole point of being gay is being with a gay, noone is the girl. but in your point of view im sometimes the girl. but we dont call it that, its either a top or bottom, if i wanted a girl; id go out and get one
Me: So what about trannies hmmm? i mean they’re guys but they dress like girls, would you do one?
Allan: I agree with your blog on this, trannies are a subculture of gay society that just creeps me out, like you and most somalis.
<THANK YOU TTYL FOR EDUCATING THE MASSES>
Me: So is there anyway that makes the kenyan gay stand out from those around the world?
Allan: Yweah there’s a few, like how the straight people hate us but always invite us to their parties
<confused bigots? only in kenya>
Allan: The girls and the swag, some of th best dressed people in the country are either gay or look it. plus only a gay guy can get ten girls to hit a part with him and turn a sausage fest into the playboy mansion.
Me: *coughs* must be the skinny jeans hehehehe
Allan: Anything else you want to ask?
Me: hmm..not reall.oh wait. i need to go through a list of stereotypes and find out if they apply to you and you friends. gimme a few minutes to write em down.
-> At this point i paused the tape and jotted down the questions in supercool new notepad (which has boobs doodled all over it, i call it doodlybooby)
aaaand here they are:-
1. Can you drink beer?
Dude i go drinking with you! You know i drink pilsner (ahem gay beer?)
2. Do gay people prefer to wear pink?
Half the gay people in kenya are goth..go figure
3. Are you promiscuous
(spelling?) Like orgies and stuff?
No more than most straight guys. I dont do orgies but i chips funga
(the correct term is sausage kamata btw) once in a while. Not like you, man-whore! (i take offence btw)
4. Do you call your gay buddies ‘girlfriend!’?
You’ve met us in the club, have we ever done that? ever dude?
5. Can you calla gay guy a fag?
I guess so but i don’t do it
6. Would you screw a butch dyke?(
ummm no… i have but i didn like it. It’s just not the same. (
lesbians/bisexuals <- confused people)
7.Is Jimmy Gay gait? (
Jimmy Gait gay..same difference)
He looks and sounds it but i dont think so. -ve on his sex appeal though and gay people are sexy (
i cant beleive i typed that, Bacchus god of beer forgive me)
8. Do cops and firemen’s uniforms turn you on?(
You’ve seen kenyan cops…really dude.
9. Do you like butterflies, fairies, rainbows and unicorns?
First off your the one with the unicorn obsession (
10. Did you like eat pray love?
The book you gave me or the movie? I liked the book but i hear the movie’s gay (
YES, he did say that)
Me: Ok anything you’d like to tell the masses about being gay? for the world who will hear this recording/tape/file thing?
Allan: Well our culture faces great problems here and around th world. i’m gay but i dont look or sound it and most people realize it when they see how initmate i am with my boyfriend. For the guys out there facing prejudice and beatings, don’t worry. We can pull through the bigotry if we stand firm. The law can and will be changed, wait is being gay still illegal?
Me: Whoa slow down dude the only news i follow is updates on mututhoi’s assasination.
Allan: Ok whatver, stand firm and dont let the government shag you in the ass
Allan: *annoyed* keep strong and soon we will have a gay pride rally in Uhuru Park or something, where do they have parades and shit. Dude let’s have beers.,
Me: Yupp, it’s five so mututho’s now a shoddy memory…
Allan: Chief, get me a pilsner!
Me: *coughs* gay beer. A tusker over here eh.
And that was my convo with a gay guy. I hope you’ve learnt something!, I know i did.