Letter to Saitoti

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Dear Dad,
You’ve officially ruined my social life. The new law you put out has officially made me a pariah even with lepers. I can’t talk to people whenever I go to clubs people stare at me through dead ,sober eyes devoid of post midday drinking. Ugly people stop me in the street and tell me how they can no longer have sex because you’ve made normal people stop drinking too much and now they won’t have casual sex with them.
Husbands in the local pubs all have depressed looking eyes because now they can no longer stagger home to their wives saved from their nagging by the wonderful fog of alcohol induced blackouts.
And my friends? My friends are the worst! Their girlfriends/boyfriends have now realised that they’re being cheated on. Usually they’d go to the club with them both get drunk and wander off into the crowd hoping for some extra tiddlywinks before hooking up again an hour later. Now all they do is sit around with their gf/bf in the club and realise what an idiot they were dating.
We’re all stuck trying to get drunk within your 9 hour time time frame instead of the usual 17 hour one we used to have since highschool. SINCE HIGHSCHOOL DAD! You’ve ruined nearly 7 years of tradition!! SEVEN YEARS of having sex in backseats of cars, staggering out of clubs at 9 in the morning, singing old school tunes in random local bars at tables filled with beer bottles we’ve already downed and family reunions filled with fun arguments that reveal all the buried family issues.
Dad ,nowadays to have sex i actually have to talk to the girl. Do you know how much that SUCKS!! Most of the girls out there are daft as doorknobs and now they’re sober and they go on and on and on and on about their trivial lives. How could you do this to me father? How could you?
Yours soberely
Fictatious Son of Saitoti

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3 responses »

  1. ROTFLMFAO…………….
    just one word Kiboi..
    Hillarious…very active imagination…heeheheheheee…

    esp the ugly people part…priceless!!!!

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