How to change a tyre like admblind

Standard

Got home from buying a few drinks as usual, people who actually follow me on twitter saw me put up a tweet about that i think. (no seriously follow me there’s a thing in the sidebar that says TWITTER). So as i drive into the estate living abode place of residence place the watchman stops me and says ‘Kijana hiyo tyre yako ina puncture’
So alot of cussin as i drive into the house ,you know the usual, “screw the roads, screw subarus, screw bridgestone, screw my mechanic, screw the government, screw the chinese who make the roads and screw Iraq (just cause they suck)”. I decided to change the tyre myself being the uber amazing super strong alpha male that i am. So i open the boot, get out the spare tyre and the tools. Ofcourse the jack (girls and losers the jack is that thing that makes the car go up, atleast i hope it is ) is missing (with my luck i’d lose the whole car). I walked over to the neighbour’s and borrowed his (btw in the background starwars is playing as i write this, just a little tidbit you shouldn know lol). Get back to my car and begin the
PROCESS OF CHANGING THE TYRE.
1. Insert jack under car.
2. Loosen the nuts on the tyre with the nut loosening thing bar of metal.
3. Struggle with impossibly tight nuts for an hour.
4. Get thirsty and go inside for a drink of juice or other innocent beverage.
5. Go back outside (sun’s super hot by now) try again with nut loosening bar of metal thing.
6. Look at all the blisters on your hand.
7. Go back inside and punch your pillow.
8. Miss your pillow and hit the wall.
9. Cry for ten minutes.
10. Think about life and all it’s struggles.
11. Continue crying cause your hand really hurts.
12. Quit drinking and smoking because of the futility of life.
13. Hand still hurts but now it’s just balancing tears, the lame kind that sting.
14. Wash your face to get rid of girl like tears.
15. Decide you need a drink to numb the pain from your hand.
16. Get a smoke to calm your nerves.
17. Find two hundred bob.
18. Pour yourself a second drink.
19. Call the watchman.
20. Hand over two hundred bob.
21. Watch as he uses nut loosening bar thing to loosen tyre’s nut.
22. Pour yourself another drink.
23. Watch as he inserts thingiemibob into the jack and twist till tyre is lifted of ground.
24. Pour yourself another drink. But slow down by this point (beer only). You still have to drive later.
25. Light a ciggarette.
26. Watch as he completely removes the nuts(he he he nuts) and tyre.
27. Watch as he puts the spare on. Ignore all pleas for assistance. (Feign being busy with phone)
28. Watch as he tightens nuts (he he he he keeps playing with nuts lol).
29. Another beer.
30. Watch as he lowers car, removes jack and places tools and spare in boot.
31. Ask him to wash car.

See how hard it was! That took me like 2hours of agony suffering, life changing experiences, backsliding and snobishness. Honestly next time, i’m going to a petrol station.
TTYL WORLD and don’t forget when the going gets stuff the drunk gets drunk 🙂 (i see a liver transplant in my future)

Advertisements

One response »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s