Beer scooters


Ever gotten home from the club or pub (usually from westlands) asked yourself ”how the hell did i get home?”
Well the answer is beer scooters.
While killing time on the internet i read about this mythical form of transport provided by bacchus the greek god of wine(yeah like the club,bet you never knew that ey?!) bacchus felt neglected since new religions popped up and he felt neglected. He decided that for the drunks of the world he would help (without their knowledge.) The pantheon created large amounts of these mythical machines and loosed them into the world of alcohol consumers.
The beer scooter works in this fashion:
When the beer drinker reaches a certain level of drunkness the ‘slurring gland’ releases a pheremone. Bacchus or one of his minions detects this pheremone and sends down one of the winged beer scooters.
The beer scooter scoops up the would be passenger and drops them home via transdimensional portal. Now beer scooters are not cheap to run so the scooter magically picks up all loose money from your pocket generating the second question of a night out “how did i spend so much money?”
Now beer scooters have very poor safety records (toyota?) and are thought to be responsible for 90% of UDIs (unidentified drinking injuries). One of the unconfirmed features of the beer scooter is destruction of time segments. The nature of the trans dimensional portal is to destroy these segments of time prompting the third question of the night “What the hell happened?”
With good intentions bacchus put in the EMIT(embarrassing moments in time) add on that deletes, in descending order, embarrassing moments from the night out. Unfortunately due to paradoxes one person’s EMIT will not always match another’s and cases of EMITs being recalled are not unheard of.
Unfortunately due to beer goggles the beer scooter has been known to often deposit the drunk in the wrong bedroom often resulting in horrific consequences. Bacchus has however invested in a drive through chain for the beer scooter that specialises in half eaten bags of fries and empty bottles of fanta that are also dropped off with the drunk. Another question answered!
For those sneaking back in to their parents’ house the beer scooter comes with Thump-alot foot wear. These shoes are designed so that no matter how lightly you tiptoe your sure to wake up your parents. Special anti gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and door and thanks to the new LTSGS ( low table seeking guidance system) you’ll be sure to bump your shins into every table capable of hurting them and causing a racket.
Most useful is the on board heater that allows you to get home in the sub zero temperatures of nairobi’s mornings in just a tshirt or skimpy clothes without getting the flu. One of the most useful add ons is the TAS(tobacco absorption system) that allows you to smoke 60 embassy lights in one night and not worry about cancer.
So next time your having a drink think of bacchus god of wine. Remember Jesus drunk wine too 😉


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