Of dodgy cabs and errant wives

Just realised that’s i’m scared of nairobi’s streets. Like completely scared was walking at night in kilimani and nearly shit my pants when a bunch of cats started wailing, (having a shag no doubt) I’ve been mugged like three times and one time i walked home in my boxers since they’d decided that my pants had a pretty nice zipper. Nothing says i’m crazy like walking into the estate in a vest, socks and undies that say pussy magnet in bright pink (yes they’ve got me laid loads of times and no the girls could not spell their own names).
Anyway last night along the same road a dude with a whip leaps out of a car and asks me and eve *real name* where were going. eve being sober runs off but since i was pretty wasted and had been tellig eve about how i’m a jedi i try to use the force on him. Nothing says i’m crazy like Middle of the road, cant stand straight, hand stretched out and shouting ‘begone sith minion’. And he did leave cursing in a creepy language with a voice like coffins closing calling me crazy, in swahili (and yes i understood).i maybe he was sith and i’m a jedi cause he was bad guy ugly and which thug in nai carries a whip…i mean really?
having saved her life eve bought me a power sandwich, and of course i mentioned that in the garden of eden adam asked for a sandwich and eve gave him an apple…some girls are just daft! Since she was scared the thug with the whip might return and rape her or me we took a taxi. Nai taxis are hell and this one was the worst. It smelt like feet (i’m pretty sure i’m the only one who ends up in these cabs) and the cab guy insisted that my polo neck looked cute.eve’s in the back laughing while i’m shotgun just thinking of all the horror stories i’ve heard about girls being raped by cab guys. Nearly jumped out and left him eve, but being jedi i knew i could defeat him, so i let him hit on me while i murdered the power sandwich. But he started getting weirder so i started to use my mind control powers on him. Nothing says i’m crazy like waving your hand infront of the cab driver while saying ‘you do not want to rape me’ over and over while a half kilo sandwich leaks mayo onto your black polo shirt (cleaning lady’s going to have fun with that one he he he), i guess it worked since he dropped us at the house and refused to charge us. Hope i never see him again.like seriously,never.
Since she’s called eve and i’m adam clearly i should’ve gotten laid last night. At my buddy’s house, no parents, loads of free pints, loads of weed and a girl called eve. Clearly it was going to be easy, or so i thought. Smooth guy adam poured her like fifty drinks and himself like a hundred. Trying to get her drunk?yes. So finally i get her onto the sofa bed thing, you know, the weird chairs that open up into a bed. We’re talking all cosy like with my head on her chest when the world goes black(what kind of loser gets a girl drunk then blacks out,really?) so i wake up like thirty minutes later and another chap is on the bed and i’m on the floor still drunk as hell. So i climb back into the bed and their so intently sucking face they don’t even notice me. I try going to sleep again but they’re making slushy sounds and her ass keeps grinding on my waist. I get off the sofabedthing and wander around the house looking for another bed. Every room’s full with drunk people so i end up back at the bed where eve’s still with this other chap. Meanwhile on the other sofabedthing the girl next to where kalinga’s blacked out stoned like a goose takes off her bra stretches and goes to sleep. Feeling ninja like i try move kalinga to the sofabedthing where eve is so i can get in next to braless girl where i was sure i might end up getting some. Nothing says i’m crazy like being superbly high and trying to lift kalinga off a bed so i can avoid slushy sounds and cuddle up with a strange girl who i still think has an amazing taste for bras, ( and pretty good boobs :how is boobs not in the t9 thing?) anyway couldn move him so i downed half a bottle of brandy and passed out next to eve and her chap. Imagine through all this they never even looked up! How much could you suck.